Alone in this world
by Missy Holland
Summary: Sometimes I feel all alone in this world. WARNING: FEMMESLASH!


**A/N: I've wondering around with this one. Was it good? I'd like to say that I honestly don't know.**

**But I do know that this is for everyone who's been lonely every now and then. **

**DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never will be. The sadness is though, just as the 'happy' ending…. I've written the song myself, though you might recognize some lines from other songs. If so, my fault! Enjoy! **

"Sometimes I feel alone in this world. Alone and most of all, I feel lonely and deserted, like there's no soul inside my body. That hurts me, the fact that I don't consider myself human, or passionate about anything but my work.

I can't help it; it's the only thing I'm good at. I go out though, but it's not something I like. I just do it to maintain some sort of social life.

I have been hurt enough to know that we all wear masks, and mine is the mask of toughness. I have friends, but they know that I've always been insecure and maybe even depressed. But they also know I just need to be loved again. I once loved a woman, but she died, suicide, and now I'm just numb, waiting for someone to wake me up from this comatose life I've been living.

But I chat.

I can be who I want to be when I get online, pretending to be everyone I want. I can be a kid who's home alone. I can be a old woman trying out the net.

I can be a woman who's in desperate need for some cybersex, or a man who is just pretending to be at work actually doing something.

Sometimes I pretend to be some famous person, not that anyone would fall for that, but I don't care, I just do what I want to do and tell people what I want to. Sometimes I lie and sometimes I talk about my deepest secrets with someone I only met once and who I'll probably never meet again. I surf a lot as well, just cruising the web and browsing for things I like.

I sometimes just write things down for my internet diary, I've kept that going when I moved to Vegas, and there are a few loyal people who read something every day and still think that I actually am good at writing and tell me that I should consider writing a book or something.

But still I feel alone, I know that it's going to change sometime, but until that happens I just have to wait and try to keep the façade, or rather, this show going. Everyone thinks that I'm happy, and I let them keep that dream. Not that I can't be happy, I can, but what hurts me the most is that they just don't try to look past that mask.

I can't let that guard down, so I hope that someone once will be able to see through that and notice that I need someone in my life to make me complete.

I wish I could shed this clothes that became my skin. I'm labelled as a girl who can take care of herself, placed in the box "tough" but I can be vulnerable even though I don't like that.

That weakness that still keeps me a bit human is always present, trying to make me break down.

I know that it won't be long before I let it all out. I will just take some time of, leave for a while, and go to a cottage somewhere in the woods where I'll mourn and howl until I am able to get on for another while.

I'm not depressed, though you might think that. I'm just telling you about myself. Or at least, what I thought that I was.

What I'd been before I crawled out of that hole of misery. I just didn't consider my self worthy for living.

I'd been told that I was not good enough for the better part of my life, so I just assumed that everyone else thought so as well. It didn't occur to me that there were people who cared. I always thought that your parents told you what everyone thought of you, so when they said I wasn't good enough for them, and that I wasn't good looking, I believed them. I mean, who wouldn't believe their parents? It hurt me, but some kids told me that they'd been slapped on their behinds when they didn't behave, so I just thought that they could hurt you mentally as well. When I got older and I was told that I was 'hot' I laughed at them, thinking that I couldn't be pretty when my parents had told me that I wasn't.

When they started fighting I withdrew myself, avoiding them as much as possible. I went to the library to read books about everything I liked; animals and the antics of foreign people. It wasn't a big surprise that that was the place where I got my first kiss. I was nine years old and I was kissed by a girl I'd seen there before, Melissa, a 9-year old as well, and we told everyone that we'd get married when we were grown ups. A year after that she moved away and I never saw her again, but that first kiss was very special to me.

By the time she went away the fights were getting out of control, and not long after that my mother had had enough and she stabbed Dad. She packed some clothes for me and for herself and we ran away.

That didn't last long. After a week she was arrested and sent to prison for second degree murder and leaving the scene of an accident. I got into foster care and haven't seen my mother since. When I was eighteen I moved out of my foster home. I travelled around a bit and when I got into Harvard I had the best time of my life. Back then I was a regular clubber, going out almost every Saturday and having the time of my life. But when I became a CSI I started to be more responsible. I started to save money instead of spending it and I kept in touch with Grissom. I did that because he kept me on track. He'd told me that I could do anything I wanted, and when he called me I packed my things right away and joined the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

That's about it, everything I've done in my past. Back then I never felt really lonely or left alone, but now I realized that life can change fast. Ten years ago I was popular, had lots of friends and lived like the world would end the next day.

Now the only thing I've got is my work and this weird relationship with Grissom. I think that if I'd ever write a book it would be about us. About how there wasn't an us and how I once wished there was.

But then again, I could write books about that other woman as well. Grissom's right hand and the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. Of course she doesn't know that, but she wouldn't notice it if it was right in front of her.

She's one of those people who got the wind in their back, even if disaster strikes. She's loved by many, she's smart, sexy as hell and her daughter is a little angel, just like her mother. But I can say that now, she's been through hell, almost the same as me.

Crawled up from being a stripper with an abusive husband to a respected CSI. Fought back when her husband was murdered and her daughter was in danger, a murder that I couldn't solve.

I still feel responsible for the tears she shed that night. Lindsey called me, saying that her mother was crying and that she didn't know what she had to do.

I told her that she'd be alright and that she was just mourning about the loss. Lindsey was confused so I came over and explained that, even though they were divorced, Catherine had loved Eddie, mainly because he was Lindsey's father.

Catherine approached me about a week after that, thanking me for comforting Lindsey, and asking if I would come to the funeral. I did it for Linds, but I'll never forget the way Catherine looked at me.

I think that was the night that things started to change. Catherine became more friendly towards me, and I stopped focussing on work for a moment and took steps forward myself. Slowly we met in the middle, and we stood there face to face for the next moths. I was scared, still had little confidence.

I tried to ask her on a date several times, but when I finally got the courage, she announced that she had a new boyfriend.

And still I was there for her, when she laughed and told me about what she loved in him, and when she cried and told me about what she hated in him.

I held her when she cried when he dumped her. She always came to me, but in the middle of the night I used to wonder; was she getting used to me being there, or did she actually like me and wanted me there because of that.

I was so insecure then, and when I told her I needed to know if she considered me as 'there' she said that she'd be always grateful for what I'd done for her, and that she considered me as one of her closest friends. I was so happy after that, knowing that, even though she had a very social life, she had only a few friends that were really close.

I even went out on occasion, usually to look after her.

I was there for all the things in her life, including the battles she fought with the whole damn world.

But as time passed I felt my real me slipping away. I felt that Catherine could never love me as more than a friend, because she was in love with life itself.

She loved to just be alive and live her life like she'd die the next day. I learnt that when we were on a hike in the mountains. We were standing on a cliff and watch the sun go down.

I looked at her and was caught in her eyes; they were shining so bright that they could've lit the darkness in mine.

She smiled and told me, if she'd have only one more day to live, that she'd wait for the sun to go down and throw herself of the cliff. She wanted to got out on a ledge, having her life lived like she wanted it, and not how someone else wanted it. I asked her why she was so free, how she became like that.

She didn't answer that one. Just told me that it was like being a butterfly.

Back then I didn't get that, but now I do.

She meant that you needed to come out of your cocoon first. After that hike I understood that I'd never have her to myself. Even if she'd be vulnerable sometime she would be able to find someone she could trust. I just hoped that in time she could remember me and tell people that I was the one who she wanted to be by her side.

She'd found me when I was lost in the dark, but it took more than the light in her eyes to show me that she didn't love me.

Whenever I was with her I felt like I was something, and now I realize that I actually AM someone who's worth living.

She just showed me the road I had to follow, but she couldn't walk that with me, she'd done that by herself once in her past and was too scared to do it again. But I walked it and found the deepest of myself back. I found my heart back and was able to open it again, but when I could she wouldn't go into it.

Before I avoided my own eyes when I looked in the mirror, they were deep.

I dare to say that they were my best feature.

But at the same time they could show you what I felt and I was scared of what I'd see when I looked in my own eyes. But when I look in them right now, I see that they are a bit lighter than they used to be and I like it that I finally can accept the fact that I'm unique. I know that everyone is that, and every human should be, but all I ever wanted was to fit in, and I never could.

I can now, because I can fit in if I am who I am and not who I want to be.

It reminds me of a poem I wrote once, I wrote it when I was lost in the dark and didn't know that I had to love myself first before someone else could love me.

I whisper those words when I need to remind myself of the fact that I am worthy.

I whisper them when I'm next to my true love, one that I couldn't see when I was with Catherine.

You won't be surprised to hear who it is I whisper those words to. The one that was really there when I needed someone. The one who understood that I also needed a shoulder and the one who offered her shoulder when I cried for Catherine. But with her help I was able to get back up again.

She comforted me without letting her feelings get in the way, and with time grew my own for her. It is weird, you love one who can't love you, and you don't love the one who loves you. It's a vicious circle. But I've broken it. Sofia was just in time to save the day for me.

And when I wake up in the morning I can see her in a different light than I saw Catherine in. I was blinded by her light and attitude. With Sofia I can breathe and be next to her, instead of being always one step behind. She goes at the same pace, has some skeletons of her own in her closet, just like I do. We can go slow like the rising moon or fast like we're in a rollercoaster.

I can be her equal.

I want to spend my life with a girl like you

And do all the things that you want me to

I can tell by the way that you dress that you're so real fine

And by the way that you talk you're just my kind

Till that time has come and we might life as one,

Can I dance with you?

Love isn't what keeps our world going round

But it's what makes the ride worth while

We may've had a rough start, but we'll end it all together, until then,

Can I dance with you?

There are just as many moments as there is love in life

And with you I want to make one of our hearts

Because love is what grows when spilled, I'll ask you once again

Can I dance with you?

With you it's the best dream I've ever had

And it scares me like a nightmare,

But can I dance with you?

I came here tonight because I want to spend my life with you

And I want my life to start A.S.A.P, would you let me,

Can I dance with you??

I'd rather have just one single kiss

Just one touch of your hand

Than living without you forever, once again,

Can I dance with you?


End file.
